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Apr 14, 2016

Humour Quotes And One-Liners

A collection of funny quotes and one-lines. 

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. - Oscar Wilde

Live everyday like it was your last, and eventually you'll be right.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. - Albert Einstein

When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing.

A day without sunshine is like.. Night!

I intend to live forever- so far so good!

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning - put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. Now I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. - Rodney Dangerfield

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. - Franklin P. Jones.

To cease smoking is the easiest thing. I ought to know. I've done it a thousand times. - Mark Twain.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not too sure.

Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear!

Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

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