INKJAM

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: Dark in here.. Man: Yes it is. Boy: I have a baseball. Man: That’s nice. Boy: Want to buy it? Man: No, thanks. Boy: My dad’s outside. Man: OK, how much? Boy: $250. In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom’s lover are in the closet together. Boy: Dark in here. Man: Yes, it is. Boy: I have a baseball glove. Man: How much? Boy: $750. Man: Fine. A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove. Let’s go outside and toss the baseball.” The boy say's, “I can’t. I sold them.” The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?” The son says, “$1,000.” The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that, that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to...

A priest was talking to a group of kids about "being good" and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?" "Heaven! Heaven!" Yelled Little Lisa.. "And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the priest. "Dead!" Yelled Little Johnny.

Santa was spending some of his hard-earned cash on a luxury cruise and was given a table with a Frenchman. At their first meal together, the Frenchman said, "Bon appetit!" "Santa Ji," said Santa. Before the next meal commenced the performance was repeated. "Bon appetit," said the Frenchman. "Santa Ji," replied Santa. After this continued for three days, Santa got fed up, and told a fellow traveller about it. "He tells me his name is Bon Appetit and I tell him my name is Santa, and then at the next meal, we start all over again." The fellow traveller laughed and explained to Santa that the Frenchman was not introducing himself and that 'Bon appetit' meant "Good appetite", or "I hope that you enjoy your meal!" Santa breathed a sigh of relief on receiving this information. Next morning, at breakfast, Santa greeted the Frenchman with a, "Bon appetite." The Frenchman nodded politely and said, "Sant...

A kid was crying standing outside his house. A passer by asked: "Why are you crying?" Kid: "My parents are fighting inside the house." Passer by: "Who is your father?" Kid: "That is what the fight is about."

Three idiots decide to go hunting. The first one says he's going to get a buck. He goes out, and indeed comes back with a buck. The other two hunters ask how he did it. He says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get buck." So the second hunter says that he's going to get a doe. And he does. They ask him how he did it, and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get doe." So the third hunter says, "I'm just gonna shoot at anything I see." So he goes out and comes back half a day later all beaten, bruised, bloody, and totally trashed. The other two hunters ask him what happened and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get hit by train!

A blonde walks into a gas station and says to the manager, "I have locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?" The manager gives the blonde a bent coat hanger. A few minutes later, he goes out to check on her. As her approaches the blonde working the hanger in the window, he notices another blonde inside the car, shouting "No, no! A little to the left."

The teacher wrote on the blackboard: "I had't had no fun in months." Then asked the class, "How should I correct this sentence?" Little Johnny raised his hand and replied, "Get yourself a new boyfriend."

A pedestrian stepped off the curb and into the road without looking one day and promptly gets knocked flat by a passing cyclist. "You were really lucky there," said the cyclist. "What on earth are you talking about! That really hurt!" said the pedestrian, still on the pavement, rubbing his head. "Well, usually I drive a bus!" the cyclist replied.

The traveler was indignant at the slow speed of the train. He appealed to the TTE: "Can't you go any faster than this?" "Yes," was the serene reply, "but I have to stay aboard."

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.  The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is."  While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.  The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietl...

A drunk is refused a drink in a bar, so he undertakes to prove to the barman that he is sober. He gestures toward a cat near the doorway and says, "You see that cat coming in through the door? It has two eyes. If I were drunk, I'd see four! " The bartender looks, then pauses a moment. Finally he responds, "You're drunker than I thought, that cat isn't coming in, it's going out! "

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and stay like that." Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

After my wife and her former best buddy, another Air Force wife, were separated by a move that posted one husband on the opposite coast, the telephone became their chief means of communication. When our phone bills showed astronomical increases, the other spouse and I sought relief. We therefore encouraged our wives to use electronic mail. Now they call on the phone to let each other know that an e-mail was sent, then call back to confirm that it arrived and have a conversation about the contents!

A Manager of a retail clothing store is reviewing a potential employee's application and notices that the man has never worked in retail before. He says to the man, "For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high wage. " "Well Sir," the applicant replies, "the work is so much harder when you don't know what you're doing! "

A customer placed a bulk order with a distributor. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. So, he left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one. " The next day the distributor received the following email: "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

A boy went to a Halloween party with a sheet over his head. "Are you here as a ghost?" asked his friends. "No," he replied, "I'm an unmade bed. "Another boy wore a sheet over his head. "Are you an unmade bed? " asked his friends. "No, I'm an undercover agent," he replied."

A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem. He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, "This is what your wife needs, at least once a day!" The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "OK, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"

A vicar went into a pet shop to buy something that would keep him company. “I’ve got just what you need,” said the pet shop owner. “Take a look at this parrot. Not only does it talk but if you pull the string on his left leg he’ll sing ‘Rock of Ages’ and if you pull the string on his right leg, he’ll recite the Lord’s Prayer.” “That is truly remarkable,” exclaimed the vicar, “but what happens if I pull both strings at the same time?” “I fall off my bloody perch,” screeched the parrot.

"I've never flown before, said the nervous old lady to the pilot. "You will bring me down safely, won't you? "All I can say ma'am," said the pilot, "is that I've never left anyone up there yet!"

A man walks into a pub, orders a pint of beer and asks the barman if he can borrow the pub’s newspaper and do the crossword. The barman thinks for a moment and then replies, “I’d just like to ask you a couple of questions first. Tell me, when a sheep dumps why does it come out in little dottles?” The man shook his head. “I don’t know.” “OK,” said the barman. “What about cows, why does it come out in a round ‘pat’?” Again the man shook his head. “Listen, mate,” said the barman scornfully. “You don’t know shit, so I don’t reckon you’ll be able to do the crossword"