INKJAM

Three idiots decide to go hunting. The first one says he's going to get a buck. He goes out, and indeed comes back with a buck. The other two hunters ask how he did it. He says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get buck." So the second hunter says that he's going to get a doe. And he does. They ask him how he did it, and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get doe." So the third hunter says, "I'm just gonna shoot at anything I see." So he goes out and comes back half a day later all beaten, bruised, bloody, and totally trashed. The other two hunters ask him what happened and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get hit by train!

A blonde walks into a gas station and says to the manager, "I have locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?" The manager gives the blonde a bent coat hanger. A few minutes later, he goes out to check on her. As her approaches the blonde working the hanger in the window, he notices another blonde inside the car, shouting "No, no! A little to the left."

The teacher wrote on the blackboard: "I had't had no fun in months." Then asked the class, "How should I correct this sentence?" Little Johnny raised his hand and replied, "Get yourself a new boyfriend."

A pedestrian stepped off the curb and into the road without looking one day and promptly gets knocked flat by a passing cyclist. "You were really lucky there," said the cyclist. "What on earth are you talking about! That really hurt!" said the pedestrian, still on the pavement, rubbing his head. "Well, usually I drive a bus!" the cyclist replied.

The traveler was indignant at the slow speed of the train. He appealed to the TTE: "Can't you go any faster than this?" "Yes," was the serene reply, "but I have to stay aboard."

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.  The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is."  While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.  The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietl...

A drunk is refused a drink in a bar, so he undertakes to prove to the barman that he is sober. He gestures toward a cat near the doorway and says, "You see that cat coming in through the door? It has two eyes. If I were drunk, I'd see four! " The bartender looks, then pauses a moment. Finally he responds, "You're drunker than I thought, that cat isn't coming in, it's going out! "

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and stay like that." Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

After my wife and her former best buddy, another Air Force wife, were separated by a move that posted one husband on the opposite coast, the telephone became their chief means of communication. When our phone bills showed astronomical increases, the other spouse and I sought relief. We therefore encouraged our wives to use electronic mail. Now they call on the phone to let each other know that an e-mail was sent, then call back to confirm that it arrived and have a conversation about the contents!

A Manager of a retail clothing store is reviewing a potential employee's application and notices that the man has never worked in retail before. He says to the man, "For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high wage. " "Well Sir," the applicant replies, "the work is so much harder when you don't know what you're doing! "

A customer placed a bulk order with a distributor. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. So, he left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one. " The next day the distributor received the following email: "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

A boy went to a Halloween party with a sheet over his head. "Are you here as a ghost?" asked his friends. "No," he replied, "I'm an unmade bed. "Another boy wore a sheet over his head. "Are you an unmade bed? " asked his friends. "No, I'm an undercover agent," he replied."

A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem. He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, "This is what your wife needs, at least once a day!" The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "OK, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"

A vicar went into a pet shop to buy something that would keep him company. “I’ve got just what you need,” said the pet shop owner. “Take a look at this parrot. Not only does it talk but if you pull the string on his left leg he’ll sing ‘Rock of Ages’ and if you pull the string on his right leg, he’ll recite the Lord’s Prayer.” “That is truly remarkable,” exclaimed the vicar, “but what happens if I pull both strings at the same time?” “I fall off my bloody perch,” screeched the parrot.

"I've never flown before, said the nervous old lady to the pilot. "You will bring me down safely, won't you? "All I can say ma'am," said the pilot, "is that I've never left anyone up there yet!"

A man walks into a pub, orders a pint of beer and asks the barman if he can borrow the pub’s newspaper and do the crossword. The barman thinks for a moment and then replies, “I’d just like to ask you a couple of questions first. Tell me, when a sheep dumps why does it come out in little dottles?” The man shook his head. “I don’t know.” “OK,” said the barman. “What about cows, why does it come out in a round ‘pat’?” Again the man shook his head. “Listen, mate,” said the barman scornfully. “You don’t know shit, so I don’t reckon you’ll be able to do the crossword"

A man spends the evening in the pub and by the end of the night he’s so drunk he can hardly walk home. But he sets off and in a befuddled haze decides to take a short cut through the park and climb over the wall. All goes well until the final gate which is topped by sharp glass and shinning over this he badly rips his backside. By the time he gets home, he’s in agony so quietly, without waking the wife, he heads for the bathroom to inspect the damage, clean up the wounds and do a bit of safety first. The next morning he crawls out of bed with a king-sized hangover and an acute pain. “What did you get up to last night?” accused his wife. “You were horribly drunk.” “No I wasn’t,” he replied. “What makes you think that?” “I’ll tell you why. I found all our plasters on the bathroom mirror this morning,” she retorted

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It's distracting! " Caddy: "This isn't a watch, sir, its a compass! "

A judge gazed at a drunk in a line-up and commented:: "You've been popping up before me in this court regularly for over twenty years." The drunk answered, "Can I help it if you don't get promoted?"

Little Johnny was getting bad grades in school. One day he stepped up to the teacher's desk, and announced, "I don't want to scare you Miss Finch, but daddy says if I don't get better grades... somebody is gonna get a spanking."

Little Johnny's teacher asks, "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Do any of you know why his father didn't punish him?" Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe?

The parachutist was distraught to find his parachute had failed to open and he was hurtling towards the ground at a fantastic rate. He was sure he was about to meet a sticky end. Suddenly, as he looked down he saw a group of men standing in a circle. They were shouting, “We’ll catch you, don’t worry, we’ll catch you.” The relief the man felt was unbelievable, until he looked again at the group and realised they were the English cricket team.

Funny excuses for not getting the homework done.. Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: I did not do it because I did not want to add to your already heavy workload. Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: Some aliens from outer space borrowed it so they could study how the human brain worked.

Q. What's worse than finding a worm in the apple you're eating? A. Finding half a worm.

Santa's replies to the questions asked by the police officer. Police : where do you live? Santa : with my parents. Police : where does your parents live? Santa : with me Police : where do you all live? Santa : together Police : where is your house? Santa : next to my neighbors house Police : where is your neighbors house? Santa : if i tell you you wont believe me. Police : tell me Santa : next to my house!

A music director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked the matters over with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve. Finally, one day to the choir he announced, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer. At this, a stage whisper was heard: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

Dan, a diminutive man, applied for the job of a security officer at the local factory. The boss looked him over carefully. "The sort of person we need for this job," said the boss finally, "is a tough, fearless, aggressive, suspicious, distrustful character, always on the lookout for trouble and constantly ready to flare into violence. Quite frankly, you don't seem to fit the bill." "Oh. that's all right," explained Dan. "I am here to apply on behalf of my wife."

Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible." Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?" I didn’t know what to say. So I said yes.  I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again. (David Brenner)

Mrs Murphy was chatting over the back yard fence to Mrs O'Brien "Did you hear Mrs Flynn's husband passed away last night?" "No!," said Mrs O'Brien, "was it the cancer?" "Oh no," said Mrs Murphy, "it wasn't anything that serious."

A week after the newly appointed clergy married a young couple at the church, he received the following thank you note from the bridegroom:  "Dear Reverend, I want to thank you for the beautiful way you brought my happiness to a conclusion."

As a result of an internal investigation, one of the Duty Officer's stunning, blonde staffers was transferred to an obscure base in Utah. The woman reported to her new Commanding Officer and handed him her orders. He glanced at them and said, "Well Private, your duties here will be pretty much the same as your last assignment. "The girl sighed and said, "Yes Sir. I kind-of figured that. Will it be OK if I drape my uniform over this chair?"

An elderly man thinking his wife was experiencing some difficulty in hearing went to the farthest corner of the room and asked "Can you hear me sweetheart?" On hearing no reply, he edged a few feet closer to her and inquired again if she could hear him. Again he heard nothing coming from his wife, so this time he moved within a few inches from her ear and asked", Can you hear me now honey ?" In came his wife's reply "For the THIRD time, YES."

Little Johnny was in church, getting restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Not able to take it anymore, he leaned over to his father and whispered, "Hey, Dad, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

Boss: (to employee) Experts say that humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing. Knock, knock. Employee: Who's there? Boss: Not you anymore.

Why did the blonde take a ladder into the bar? She heard the drinks were on the house.

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape. "It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us." The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers--we had $1000 when we broke in!"

One day, a group of terrorists hijacked a Bar Association charter flight. The terrorists announced that, until their demands were met, they would release one lawyer per hour.

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face." "Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position all the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "It's because your feet ain't empty."

After graduating from law school and passing the bar exam, Earl Schein went to work for his father. Several years later, the elder Schein retired and Earl took over his father's practice. One evening, in a mood of obvious elation, he rushed to his father's home. "Dad, I've got great news," he shouted. "I settled that old Anderson suit at last." "Settled it!" cried the astonished father. "Why, I gave you that case as an annuity for life

As the end of the day drew near, the handsome executive called his newly hired assistant into his office. "Do you know what time we quit around here?" he asked. "Sure! " the girl nervously giggled. "Whenever somebody knocks on the door."

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight." he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams"

A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "a little bit too far" in recommending a sentence of 505 years for a man who was convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 501 years."

A lady was walking down the street to work when she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and again it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now. The next day as the lady was passing the store, the parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said to the manager that if the bird did not stop calling her ugly, she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store that evening the parrot called on to her, "Hey lady" She paused and said, "Yes?" The bird said, "You know."

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!" The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What? They gave me a Chihuahua!"

A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye. "What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is that?" "He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child." "Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"

The desk sergeant answered the phone, and at once a woman began screaming: "You've got to help me! There's a giant gray thing in my yard, and it's pulling apples off the tree with its tail!" "And what's it doing with the apples?" the sergeant asked. "If I told you," the woman cried, "you wouldn't believe me!"

At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.  The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"

A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer looked at the guy's photograph, questioned her, and then asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him. "Yes, please" she replied. "Tell him Mother didn't come after all."

One day Paddy, an Irishman, goes into a pharmacy, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the pharmacist and says, "Could you taste this for me, please?" The pharmacist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it. "Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy. "No, not at all," says the pharmacist. "Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"

"You are a cheat!" shouted the attorney to his opponent. "And you're a liar!" bellowed the opposition. Banging his gavel loudly, the judge interjected, "Now that both attorneys have been identified for the record, let's get on with the case."

A drunk staggered into a cemetery and fell into a freshly dug grave. Pretty soon a second drunk staggered by. "Get me out of here ", said the one in the grave, "I'm cold ". The other one looked over the edge and said, "No wonder you're cold, you poor guy. You don't have any dirt on you."

A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize costs. The statement included this item: "Was walking down the street and saw you on the other side. Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with you. Got close and saw it wasn't you. -$50.00."

Little Johnny returned from school and saying he got an 'F' in Math. "Why?" asked his father. "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'" "But that's right!", said his dad, upset at the injustice. "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'" "What's the f*@#%! difference?" asked his dad. Little Johnny replied "That's exactly what I said!"

As the end of the day drew near, the handsome executive called his newly hired assistant into his office. "Do you know what time we quit around here?" he asked. "Sure! " the girl nervously giggled. "Whenever somebody knocks on the door."

A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat.... Says He: "I'm sorry honey but I'm up to my neck in work today." Says She: "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear." Says He: "OK darling, but since I've got no time now, just give me the good news, OK?" Says She: "Well, the air bag works...

A German shepherd went to a Western Union office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof." The clerk examined the paper and told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'woof' for the same price." The dog replied "What, and ruin the punch line?!"

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. " The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves the bar. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good? ", asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', why did you leave the bar when I first made the offer?" The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

A carpet layer had just finished installing a carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. ''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened out the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.'' ''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.''

Fred: I thought there was a choice for lunch today.. Cook: There is. Fred: No, there isn't. There's only cheese pie. Cook: You can choose to eat it or leave it.

Once upon a time there was this guy who bought a hang glider and took it out to the mountains to fly it. He was cruising along a few hundred feet above the treetops when he spots these two hunters down below. He hollers and waves at them, trying to be sociable. Suddenly the hunters look up and they both fire their double barrel shotguns at him. When the hang glider was out of sight one of the hunters turns to the other and says "What kinda bird you reckon that was? "The other hunter replies "I don't rightly know, but I think we hit it. "How's that? " "You saw how fast he dropped that man he was caring, didn't ya?"

There was a businesswoman who just made a billion dollars for an Arabian Oil Sheik. When she was leaving the Oil Sheik offered her Diamonds and rubies and a Silver-plated Rolls Royce, but she declined. The Sheik insisted; so she said that she just started to golf and maybe a set of golf clubs would be nice. A few weeks later she received the following email from the sheik: I hope you aren't disappointed that of the golf clubs I bought for you, only 2 have swimming pools."

One Halloween night, a neighborhood practical joker decided to frighten the young "trick-or-treaters" who rang his doorbell. He put on a floor-length black cape, a black hat fitted with devil's horns, and a hideous mask that seemed to combine the most gruesome features of Dracula, Frankenstein's Monster, and the Wolf Man. Then he waited. Finally, his doorbell rang. He turned off all the lights and, shining a flashlight on his mask, he opened the door and pierced the night air with an eerie scream. Then he looked down and saw standing before him a tiny, golden-haired five year old, dressed as a dainty fairy. The little tyke stared wide-eyed for a moment. Then she raised her eyes up along the massive black cape, looked straight into the hideous mask, and asked, "Is your mommy home"

A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG! He looks around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG! So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock. The deep voice says: OPEN! Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins. The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO! Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino. The deep voice says: ROULETTE! So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief. The deep voice says: 27! He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball. The ball stops at the 26. The deep voice says: SHIT!

Detective: How did you get into counterfeiting? Criminal: I answered an classified ad that said, "Make money at home."

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth. " The man said, "No problem. " With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said. The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said. The man then said, "I have another pair...try these. " The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight. " The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more paid of false teeth...try them. " The speaker said, "They fit perfectly. " With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist." Th...

A farmer comes home with a lively young bull. His two old bulls have fallen on sad days. He's letting them hang around for old times' sake. The minute the new bull is put into the pasture, he starts servicing the cows. At about the fourth cow, one of the old bulls starts to paw the ground and snort. The other asks,"Why are you doing that? "The old bull answers, "I don't want him to think I'm one of these cows!"

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing. "What's so funny?" the bartender asked. "That stupid Dave!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"

One of the fielders got hit in the crotch by a cricket ball, the pain was so severe he collapsed unconscious on the ground and woke up in hospital. “Hey doc,” he croaked, “am I alright? Will I be able to play again?” The doctor replied, “Yes, you’ll be able to play again… that’s if you’ve got a women’s team at the club."

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.  "Hey Willis!! " the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up. " "That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to. " "Aw, come on," the farmer insisted. "Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset." "Don't be foolish! " the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?" "Under the wagon. "

Victim (to mugger): But my watch isn't any good, it only has sentimental value. Mugger: That's all right. I'm sentimental.

What on earth is that?” said the woman to the waiter. “It’s pressed tongue, Madam.” “Good gracious! I could never eat anything that came out of an animal’s mouth. Bring me a boiled egg please."

One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner.  As soon as the waiter served out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself. Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite? "Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick? "Tom: "The smaller piece, of course. "Bill: "What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is left for you "

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:  Man: What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man: Shut your mouth, woman! Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way? Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "When did you bag him? "The host said proudly, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife. " "What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter. "My ex-wife " replied the hunter."

Three men a philosopher, a mathematician and a Sardarji, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell." The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared. The mathematician then asked, "Give me the ...

"How did it happen? " the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg. "Well, doc, 25 years ago... " "Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning. " "Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said no, everything is fine. "Are you sure? ", she asked. "I'm sure,I said. "Isn't there anything I can do for you? " she wanted to know. "I reckon not " I replied... "Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg? " "Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof! "

Every weekend, her husband would be out playing football with his local team and while he was away, Gloria would entertain her lover. However, disaster struck one afternoon when the pitch was so waterlogged that the husband came back early. “Quick,” whispered the wife, “crouch down behind the sofa, it’s too late to get away.” Unfortunately, the husband settled himself down and didn’t look as if he was going to move. “Bugger this,” muttered the lover to himself, and he stood up wearing only jockey shorts and a vest saying, as he walked out of the door, “Bloody weather, can’t see a thing, you didn’t see which way the cross country runners went"

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat? Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals! Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone.

A judge in a Kentucky court asked, "Colonel Beaufort, according to my records you never served a day in the army. Can you tell me how you came to be called Colonel?" The witness replied, "Well, sir, it's like the 'Honorable' in front of your name. It doesn't mean a thing"

A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money. By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt. The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other man's hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church. The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, "And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention.... "

A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker. "I think this one will really move said the broker, it's only $1 a share. " "Buy me 1000 shares. " said the client. The next day the stock was at $2. The client called the broker and said, "You were right, give me 5000 more shares. " The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $4. The client ran to the phone and called the broker, "Get me 10,000 more shares said the client. " "Great! " said the broker. The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $9. Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, the client ran to the phone and told the broker, "Sell all my shares! " "To whom? You were the only one buying that stock. "

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door with a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.' He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.' The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read 'MAIN ENTRANCE'.

New drugs for men created by women scientists are waiting for FDA approval... ANIVERSIA: Triggers memories for birthdays and anniversaries... SLIMOXIL: Widens male cornea making wives appear slim... SPORTOBLIND X: Reacts with optic nerve to prevent men from recognizing the word "Sports" on TV... WORKOCETAMOL: Generates an insatiable desire in men to do household chores... SHOPHOFOBEX: Makes men eager to take wives for shopping every week and wait patiently... FLIRTONATE-N: It reduces vision whenever a pretty woman passes by.

A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back. He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying, “I regret that I cannot remember which one you are. Please keep your photo and return the others.”

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.  It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000. Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate, "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home. One boy throws his bag out the window. Teacher: who just threw that?! Boy: Me! I’m going home now.

A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?" "In three months."

A man left from work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. After two hours, she stopped nagging and said, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

One day, a scuba diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. Looking around, he noticed a guy at the same depth but without any scuba gear on. The diver decided to go down another 20 feet. He took another look around, and lo and behold, there was the same guy. “I can’t believe it,” thought the scuba diver, “I bet he can’t go down another 25 feet.” So the diver goes down another 25 feet and, again, there is the guy! Totally amazed, the scuba diver pulls out a chalkboard and writes; “How the heck are you able to go so deep and stay under so long without any equipment?” The guy grabs the chalkboard and writes, “I’m drowning you moron!”

I was getting my hair cut at a neighborhood shop, and I asked the barber when would be the best time to bring in my two-year-old son. Without hesitation, the barber answered, "When he's five."

"One day, a teacher, a doctor and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, 'What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg? They just made a movie about it.' The teacher answered quickly, 'That would be the Titanic.' St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter then turned to the doctor and decided to make the question a little harder, 'How many people died on the ship?' Fortunately the doctor had just seen the movie and answered, 'About 1,500.' 'That's right! You may enter.' St. Peter then turned to the lawyer and said, "Name them"

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed that three men and a dog were playing cards. The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance. ‘This is a very smart dog,’ the man commented. ‘He's not so smart,’ said one of the irked players. ‘Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.’

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?” The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. “Yes. Yes he did.” The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?” Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, “You.”

Sales person: Hello, may I speak to the man of the house please? Youngster: (whispering) No, he's busy. Sales person: Well then, can I please speak to your mother? Youngster: (in a whisper) She's busy too. Sales person: I see, how about your brother or sister? Can I speak to him? Youngster: (whispering) No. They're both busy too. Sales person: (losing patience) Is there anybody else there I could talk to??? Youngster: (in a whisper) Yeah, the police are here...but they are busy too.... Sales person: ( by now quite exasperated) What are all these people doing that keeps them so busy?!!! Youngster: (still whispering) Looking for me.  

1. Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other. 2. Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master 3. Divorce : Future tense of marriage 4. Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either". 5. Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present. 6. Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece. 7. Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power .. 8. Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage. 9. Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on. 10. Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before. 11. Classic : A book which peo...

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. After sending the applicants through background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman. The day came for the final test to determine which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men towards a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"  Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then." So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the ...

A pastor called the Municipal health Department to request that a dead mule be removed from the front office of the church. The young clerk, who answered the phone, thought he would be smart. "I thought you clergymen took care of the dead." he remarked. "We do", answered the witty pastor,"but first we get in touch with their relatives."

My teacher said I was being disrespectful. She'd asked us what our   favorite   animal was, and I'd said, "Fried chicken."  She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right. Everyone else in the class laughed. My parents told me to always be honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why? . So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.  I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher do...

A woman called in a repairman to mend her television. Just as he finished, the woman heard her husband's key in the lock. "Hurry," she said to the repairman, "you'll have to hide. My husband is insanely suspicious." There was no time to run out of the back door, so the repairman hid inside the TV console. The husband came in and plopped down on his favourite chair to watch some football. Inside the TV the repairman was all squinched up getting hotter and hotter. Finally, he couldn't stand it any more. He climbed out, marched across the room and out of the front door. The husband looked at the TV set, looked at his wife, looked back at the set again and said, "I didn't see the referee send that guy off the field, did you?" 

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.  The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn  so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

Two kids are talking to each other.  One says, "I'm really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!" The other kid says, "What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you've got it made!" The first kid says, "What if they try to escape?"

An 80-year-old-couple are having problems remembering things, so they decide to see their doctor to find out if anything is wrong with them. They see the doctor and tell him about the memory problems they've been having. After a check-up, the doctor tells them that they are physically fine but might want to start writing things down to help them remember things. They thank the doctor and leave. Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Where are you going?" asks his wife. "To the kitchen," he replies. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" she asks. "Sure," he says. She says, "Maybe you should write it down so you'll remember." "I'll remember," he says "Well, I would also like some strawberries on top," she says. "You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget." "I can remember that," he says, as he begins to loose his patience. ...

A collection of funny animal pictures that's sure to bring a smile on your face.

“Papa, what are ancestors?” “Well, my son, I’m one of yours. Your grandpa is another.” “Oh! Then why is it people brag about them?”

Mother took Willie to his first concert. The conductor was leading the orchestra and directing the soprano soloist as well. Willie was greatly interested. “Mother, why is that man shaking his stick at the lady?” he asked. “Hush; he is not shaking his stick at her.” “Then what is she screaming for?”

There was a devastating flood in a village. One man said to everyone, “I’ll stay! God will save me!” The flood got higher and a boat came and the man in it said “Come on mate, get in!” "No" replied the man. God will save me! The flood got very high now and the man had to stand on the roof of his house. A helicopter soon came and the man offered him help.” No, God will save me!” he said Eventually he died by drowning. He got by the gates of heaven and he said to God “Why didn’t you save me?” God replied, “For goodness sake! I sent a boat and a helicopter. What more do you want!”

A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl? B: It’s a girl. She’s my daughter. A: Oh, I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t know that you were her father. B: I’m not. I’m her mother.

A collection of funny quotes and one-lines.  Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. - Oscar Wilde Live everyday like it was your last, and eventually you'll be right. Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. - Albert Einstein When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing. A day without sunshine is like.. Night! I intend to live forever- so far so good! When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. Its been a rough day. I got up this morning - put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. Now I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. - Rodney Dangerfield The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. - Franklin P. Jones. To cease smoking is the easiest thing. I ought to know. I've done it a thousand times. - Mark Twain. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not too sure. Oh Lord, give me...

Husband: Every time I hit you, you never fight back. How do you manage your anger? Wife: I clean the toilet seat.. Husband: how does it help Wife: I use your toothbrush!!!!

Squirrels had overrun three churches in town. After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God's will? they reasoned. Soon, the squirrels multiplied. The elders of the second church, deciding that they could not harm any of God's creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back. It was only the third church that succeeded in keeping the pests away. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Two small county judges both got arrested for speeding on the same day. Rather than call the state Court for a visiting judge, each agreed to hear the other's case. The first judge took the bench while the second stood at the defendant's table, and admitted his guilt. The sentencing judge immediately suspended both the fine and costs. They switched places. The second judge admitted that he was speeding, too. Thereupon the first judge immediately fined him $250 and ordered him to pay court costs. The second judge was furious. "I suspended your fine and costs, but you threw the book at me!" he fumed. The first judge looked at him and replied, "This is the second such case we've had in here today. Someone has to get tough about all this speeding!"

"Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, 'When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says,'I would like to hear them say that I was the greatest doctor of my time, and a great family man.' The second guy says, 'I would like to hear them say that I was a wonderful human being and a great teacher who made a huge difference to the lives of our children.' The last guy replies, 'I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!"

A teacher had asked her class to write a letter to God. This is what some of them wrote: Dear God: Instead of letting people die and making new ones, why don't you just keep the ones you have? - Michael Dear God: Maybe Cain and Abel would not have killed each other if they had their own rooms. It worked with me and my brother. - Larry Dear God: If you watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. - Mickey Dear God: Is it true my father won't get into Heaven if he uses his such words in the house? - Anita Dear God: Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? - Norma Dear God: Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. - Little Johnny

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

There was a brewery convention in the city and all the major players were there.  After the conference they decided to go to a local pub and get a beer. The president for Budweiser ordered himself a Bud.  Then the president for Miller ordered himself a Miller Genuine Draft. And the president for Coors ordered himself a Coors Lite.  When the bartender asked Arthur Guinness what he wanted to drink he replied, “I’ll have a cup of tea.”  The other presidents were shocked, but then thought that perhaps they had stumbled upon some sort of secret.  They asked Mr. Guinness, “Why didn’t you order a Guinness?” Arther remarked, “If you’re not going to drink beer, neither will I.”

John is late for a meeting and can’t find a parking spot anywhere. He prays in despair, “Please God give me a spot to park, and from now on I’ll always give to the poor.” Suddenly, two of the parked cars shift sideways on their own - creating a large enough space in-between for John to comfortably park his car. John looks to the sky and yells out, “Don’t worry about it God, I just found one!”

A mother is at the beach with her toddler son. Out of nowhere, a huge wave comes and carries the boy off into the ocean. Distraught, the woman looks to the sky and calls out, “Oh God, please bring my baby back to me. I’ll do anything God, I just want my boy back.” Miraculously, another wave splashes down, depositing the kid at the woman’s feet. She looks at her son and then glances back up at the heavens… “He had a hat.”

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "You do God's work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at his door step. A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to accept any payment, saying, "You protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at his door step. A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to accept any payment, saying, "You serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

A Priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. The leading local politician was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was late, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. He commenced with: "I got my first impression of this parish from the very first confession I ever heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss's wife; had affair with his boss's 20 year old daughter, taken illegal drugs; had connections with the underworld; was arrested several times for public indecency. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my peopl...

A couple hired a new chauffeur. The lady asked him to take her out for shopping and was very shaken by the experience. Back home, she pleaded with her husband, "Please dear, you must sack this new chauffeur at once. He is so rash he nearly killed me three times this morning." "Darling, don't be so hasty," replied the husband, "give him another chance."

A man and his wife arrived at the airport too late and missed their flight. He said, "If you hadn't have taken so long getting ready we wouldn't have missed the flight!" She said, "If you hadn't hurried me so, we wouldn't have had to wait so long for the next flight!"

Just as a young man was about to get a chest X-ray, the equipment slipped and an X-ray was conducted on his pelvic region instead. "Oh, no!", cried the lab technician, "Your reproductive organs just received a huge dose of radiation!" "What does that mean?" asked the worried young man. "It's serious," replied the technician. "All your children will be lawyers!"

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!" He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury however, after some deliberations, pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But how?" the lawyer asked. ...